Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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