Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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