I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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