The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
