i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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