Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
