3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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