Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
