I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize