I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
