The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
