I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
