Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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