Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
