my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize