Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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