It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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