I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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