the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
