genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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