Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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