So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
