If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
