I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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