Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
