Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
