the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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