id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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