I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
