Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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