I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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