I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
