My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
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she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.