Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
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i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again