Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
