There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
