I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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