I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
As shirtless as possible
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
