can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
