Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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