I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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