My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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