Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
