we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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