Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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