OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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