Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
