We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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