This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
