I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
two words: eviction party
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore