chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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