can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes