Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
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nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays