She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
