So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
