highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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