Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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