I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
