Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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