Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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